Sol chuckled softly at his own words. He never imagined the day would come when he would say such grandiose things to someone. Wiping the droplets of sweat from his forehead with his forearm, Sol continued speaking.
“It might turn out better than you think. I used to think the same way too.”
“They’re also dealing with their own difficulties. Sometimes, not knowing can be comforting.”
“Even so. You said it was a lie. Then it must have been hard for you too, right? I... I’ve been through something similar, too.”
“...”
As the conversation continued, Tae-oh turned his entire body towards Sol. This time, Sol didn’t avoid him and stood facing him. Tae-oh was so tall that even Sol, who was quite tall himself, had to lift his chin slightly to look at him.
“The day you arrived, I had an argument with Yeong-ho hyung. I was very emotional and took it out on you like a child.”
“I was the same that day, so it’s understandable...”
“No. The new member we were expecting didn’t show up the day before, and I thought it would be the same this time. I should stop clinging to uncertain things and face reality.”
Sol hesitated, wondering if he would once again apologize for the incident, and he trailed off, lowering his head. Seeing such Sol, Tae-oh also nodded in agreement.
“I said I don’t think I can keep holding on and go back to the hospital room where my mother and brother are. If it doesn’t work out this time, I don’t know what to do. It’s tough. I said those things.”
“To Yeong-ho hyung?”
“He’s the manager. At least he’s older than me.”
“Right, the manager...”
“It didn’t take me even a minute to regain my composure. I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth and tried to take them back.”
Listening to Tae-oh’s words, Sol realized once again that he, who seemed so mature, was only twenty years old now. Although Sol was technically twenty as well on the surface, his inner self was already twenty-five. With the exception of their first meeting, Tae-oh had been quiet and sincere, rarely showing much emotion. Because of this, Sol realized that Tae-oh had only recently become an adult. The twenty-year-old Sol couldn’t be like that. Of course, the twenty-five-year-old Sung Sol was the same. Would it have been better if he was over thirty? He wouldn’t know, as he hadn’t lived that long.
“The next morning, Yeong-ho hyung gathered the other members and said, ‘Tae-oh is going to quit.’”
“Ah...”
At Tae-oh’s words, Sol tightly closed his eyes and touched his forehead with his hand. Tae-oh didn’t express those words to Yeong-ho with the intention of expecting such outcomes. He didn’t seek any specific solution, and as Ji-ho rightly pointed out, he wasn’t a robot, so he needed an emotional release. There was a voice that momentarily brushed through Sol’s mind. On the first day, sitting curled up in the room, he heard a voice from beyond the wall, a voice that sounded lifeless.
‘Hyung, about this morning’s conversation... You’re not really going to quit, right?’
Now that he roughly knew what kind of person Tae-oh was, Sol nodded at the fact that Tae-oh had been very direct in their first encounter. That’s why he said what he said. If Sol had been confronted with Tae-oh’s situation, he would have immediately turned off his phone and disappeared.
“I don’t have to say it. Everyone understands my situation. Even if I don’t show it, everyone knows that no matter what I say, it will be heavy and complicated.”
Sol continued to nod slightly. They were all things he himself had felt and experienced. He wanted to give Tae-oh an opportunity to express his feelings, much like Eun-gyeom had done for him. But even though he was mentally five years older, listening to Tae-oh’s story made Sol nod at his words.
“Adding more words to that will only increase anxiety. Speaking about difficult situations will only sink us all together.”
“...”
“And, whether temporary or not, I’m the leader. I hope I can be someone the members can trust and rely on.”
“...Isn’t it too difficult?”
Sol had to ask again.
“It’s difficult. I told you.”
“Don’t you want to run away? I did that. So I ran away.”
“How far can you run away?”
“...”
This time, he couldn’t say anything in response to the question that came back to him. “How far.” It seemed there would be no end to it. If he decided to flee, he would truly run away from everything. Eventually, he would even run away from the act of breathing. No, because the fear of death is so overwhelming, he would even try to escape from dying. It was clear that he would live like that, without any means or options.
“If I run away from here and go somewhere else, will I be able to stop running away there?”
“No.”
Tae-oh asked with a cynical expression, as if it were no big deal, but his question hit Sol quite hard. Sol slowly tilted his head.
“I... I don’t like it when things deviate from the plan or when I’m in situations I can’t control. If I have to fight anyway, it’s safer to fight in a place I know well.”
Sol blinked. Sol was the opposite. He hated it when his familiar spaces, his territory, were disrupted. He wouldn’t have started a fight to begin with, but if he had to confront someone, he wanted to avoid situations where things he valued would be damaged. Although they had experienced similar things, they were dealing with it in completely different ways.
“You’re experiencing something like stage fright or panic disorder, right?”
“Yes. You knew?”
“How could I not know?”
At Tae-oh’s sudden question directed at Sol, Sol widened his eyes and looked at him. Excessive tension, a stiffened body, visibly paling complexion, cold sweat, and rough breathing. Sensitive reactions. These were unmistakable signs that wouldn’t go unnoticed by someone observant. Sol awkwardly tried to hide his embarrassment at Tae-oh’s response that was questioning the obvious. Even so, he gritted his teeth and endured it without showing any signs of it all this time. It was all useless.
Come to think of it, every time Sol struggled or felt tense, Tae-oh stepped forward to organize the situation. He thought it was simply because he was the leader and preferred to control the situation. It was as if he intervened precisely at the moments when Sol felt uncomfortable, making it evident. It was the same during this morning’s vocal lesson.
“So, did you quit dancing?”
“Yes. I couldn’t dance.”
“Is this the place where you ran away to?”
“It ended up like that.”
In response to the sudden question, Sol glanced at Tae-oh for a moment before answering readily. Slowly blinking his eyelids, for once, his firm answer seemed somewhat similar to Tae-oh’s. Sol hadn’t escaped here by choice this time, but the twenty-five-year-old Sung Sol was still in the midst of escaping. From everything. He had collapsed after Ju-hwan’s marriage, but he had still managed to escape.
“You did well.”
“Huh?”
Sol began to doubt whether he had misheard for a moment, suspecting his own ears. Surprised by the unexpected praise, he widened his eyes in bewilderment and glanced at Tae-oh. As he looked at him, he noticed him nodding, seemingly confirming his thoughts, prompting him to nod in agreement as well. As if the words were directed right at him.
Looking at Sol, who was so bewildered that he seemed to be in a daze, Tae-oh nodded slightly.
“This time, you didn’t run away.”
Sol’s face lit up instantly at Tae-oh’s words. Blushing as if he were about to burst, his lips curled upward, and in haste, he covered his face with the back of his hand. The conversation had started with him trying to comfort Tae-oh, but instead, he found himself comforted by him. As he covered his face in embarrassment, his ears started to burn.
“It’s only been... a few days. How can you know that I won’t run away again if things get tough?”
Sol stuttered, trying to cover his deeply flushed face, his voice trailing off. On top of his flushed face, his temperature seemed to rise even more. This was the first time he had ever been praised for something like this. Although he hadn’t yet attempted it, Sol mentioned something that hadn’t even happened, and then felt embarrassed as a result. He couldn’t just stop because of the system, but despite feeling uncomfortable with Tae-oh’s praise, he forced himself to bring up words that had sunk to the bottom of his heart.
“Then... maybe Kang Ga-ram and Deuk-yong will have a hard time too. They’re not ones to easily open their hearts.”
It’s hard to believe that Deuk-yong even cried. Appearing strong-willed with a strong sense of pride, noisy, and overflowing with confidence, underneath, he had a tender and innocent side, like a gentle brook. They were discussing quite serious matters, but thinking about Deuk-yong, who would be upset and disappointed, brought laughter mixed with sadness. It seemed like he was the youngest, after all. Sol felt affectionate towards him as well. Just a few days of being together in the group and he already felt sad at the thought of leaving, just as Tae-oh had said.
Sol suddenly realized that the serious atmosphere had disappeared and found himself laughing. He felt amused by the unexpected turn of events, realizing that instead of comforting Tae-oh, he ended up being comforted himself, and strangely, he felt good about it. He tried to offer help with his words, only to find himself being helped once again. At Tae-oh’s words, Sol found himself at a loss for words and simply laughed innocently. Once again, it was Sol who found solace and contentment in this conversation.
“Did you know? There may be things you can say because we’re not close, but after saying those things, we can’t be anything but close.”
“…I see.”
Listening to it, it was true. Could the person passing by remain just a passing acquaintance after they laid bare their thoughts to them? From that moment on, they would become someone special. Even if they didn’t share grand emotions, they would become someone who at least knew their secrets or understood their circumstances. A new relationship had been forged.
“Speak comfortably, like you do with Ga-ram. Whether it’s ‘you’ or ‘Tae-oh-ssi’. It’s not just about our relationship but also about the team atmosphere.”
“Um... Okay. Sure thing, Tae-oh-yah.”
Unlike with Ji-ho or Ga-ram, banmal* came out easily. Still, it felt awkward to casually use banmal, so occasionally, honorifics slipped out when talking to Ji-ho and Ga-ram. To Tae-oh, it came out smoothly. He didn’t mind the feeling, so Sol smiled widely, showing his neat teeth. While Tae-oh might have felt burdened, Sol’s heart felt considerably lighter now. (T/N: *informal language)
“If you’ve said everything you wanted to say, then let’s practice.”
My heart is warm now
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