Tae-oh’s response coming from beyond the door was firm. Sol unconsciously let out a slight laugh. Yoon Tae-oh seemed as solid as wood. Very dense in color, heavy and sturdy.
“Sorry. But still, I’m your senior and yet I keep saying things like this to you all the time...”
“Now, let’s stop talking and go practice. If you want to keep up with those who improve much faster, you’ll have to do twice as much.”
“It’s tough. Really tough.”
Ji-ho spoke like an elderly person. Sol, who had been focused on the conversation of the two flowing out from the hallway, panicked at the sound of the doorknob turning. There was nowhere to escape. Sol hurriedly moved away from the restroom belatedly, realizing Ji-ho would emerge from it before he could conceal himself. Even in the rush to flee, Ji-ho’s voice echoed clearly in Sol’s ears.
“Tae-oh, aren’t you finding it hard? You have your own situation... and yet, you’re listening to this kind of talk.”
At Ji-ho’s question, Sol unconsciously halted his steps. It was the thing Sol was most curious about regarding Tae-oh. Was it not hard? Sol had been through a lot. Even now, just recalling that day’s memories made life burdensome.
“Yes.”
Tae-oh’s reply remained just as firm, but this time his voice carried even more weight than before. Behind him, Ji-ho’s laughter could be heard. Sol quickly hid in the restroom at the end of the hallway before Ji-ho could come out.
“Are you going to think before you answer? Or are you acting like you’re tired of it? Yoon Tae-oh.”
“Hyung said earlier that this is more like me.”
“That’s true, but... you’re not some emotionless robot either.”
Even after Sol stealthily slipped through the hallway like a cat, Ji-ho didn’t immediately step out of the restroom but instead caught on to Tae-oh’s trailing words. Tae-oh furrowed his dark eyebrows slightly as he watched Ji-ho hold on to the half-open door. Finally, Ji-ho, with his usual fox-like smile, laughed.
“Got it. Man. Loosen up! I’m going in to practice! We’ll debut after proving ourselves, and then we’ll give it our all.”
“Okay, just don’t overdo it.”
“Yes, Leader! Sol seems a bit off... Sol, I mean, seems to be working hard, but somewhere...”
“Hyung.”
Thinking they were going back to the practice room, Tae-oh, seeing Ji-ho extending the conversation once again, crossed his arms, bowed slightly, and lowered his head with a resigned expression.
“Yes, yes. I understand.”
Finally, Ji-ho let go of the doorknob, as if he had made up his mind, and with a clap of his hands, he exited the restroom. Tae-oh, confirming that Ji-ho had returned to the practice room, glanced toward the restroom at the end of the corridor. Although Tae-oh couldn’t see him, beyond Ji-ho’s shoulder, he caught sight of Sol hastily moving away through the slightly open door.
Instead of returning to the practice room, Tae-oh headed towards the restroom where Sol had hidden. Water gushed fiercely from the faucet. Standing in front of the sink, gripping it tightly, Sol was drenched, whether with sweat or water, it was hard to tell. When Sol and Tae-oh’s eyes met as Tae-oh entered the restroom, Sol awkwardly turned his face away.
“Don’t keep what Ji-ho hyung said in mind.”
“...Uh, okay.”
Sol, who had thought he had sneaked out unnoticed, felt embarrassed as Tae-oh spoke first, so he bowed his head deeply and replied. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but it turned out that way. However, Tae-oh didn’t blame him.
“I didn’t mean to listen in. I just came to use the restroom...”
“I understand. It’s our fault for not being careful.”
“And I understand what Ji-ho hyung said, too.”
As Sol stammered out his excuse, Tae-oh shrugged.
“Ji-ho hyung is just under a lot of pressure.”
“I understand. And thank you for taking my side.”
“I was just saying the truth.”
As Tae-oh’s calm voice filled the room, Sol looked at him. Tae-oh, with an indifferent expression, gazed at his reflection in the mirror, then shrugged his shoulders and let out a long exhale. Today, Tae-oh looked quite tired. As Tae-oh’s eyes in the mirror met Sol’s, he instinctively reached out to the sink without thinking. Water streamed out.
Washing his hands over and over again, rinsing them under the continuous flow of water, Sol resolved to ask Tae-oh what he had been wanting to ask for the past few days. Although the conversation with Ji-ho lingered in his mind, he also felt uneasy about knowing personal matters about Tae-oh, whether he had intended to hear them or not.
“That.... You know, I happened to hear about your situation from other people.”
“Oh. You mean Eun-gyeom hyung, right?”
Sol struggled to bring up the topic, but Tae-oh’s response when he finally did seemed surprisingly easy, as if it was a very familiar occurence to him. Why would Eun-gyeom’s name come up so naturally there? Because he showed a friendly attitude toward him earlier in the morning? It was doubtful, but before saying anything more, Sol shook his head at the mention of Eun-gyeom’s name. He didn’t want Eun-gyeom to be misunderstood for no reason.
“No, I heard it from a member from that senior’s side. Does it bother you?”
“It’s a story everyone at the company knows. Rather, isn’t it worse to be the only one who doesn’t know a story everyone else knows?”
“Just because everyone knows doesn’t mean one should tell anyone about it.”
Sol lifted his head and stared at the mirror. Through the reflection, his eyes met Tae-oh’s. His expression was sincere and unwavering. Meeting Tae-oh’s gaze, Sol furrowed his brows slightly. He couldn’t act so calmly like that.
The stares trailing behind him, the pitying murmurs. He pretended to be calm and collected, but he was hurt by those things. The conversation, which had started to alleviate discomfort and curiosity, gradually became more sincere, allowing genuine emotions to surface. At least, that’s how Sol felt.
“...Everyone is freely talking about it anyway.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That wasn’t directed at you.”
“Anyway, I also happened to overhear your conversation with Ji-ho hyung earlier.”
The wry smile that briefly flickered across Tae-oh’s face, which had been expressionless until then, disappeared as quickly as it came. It was a very brief moment, fleeting, but felt quite prolonged in Sol’s eyes as he watched Tae-oh through the mirror. It wasn’t a happy smile, but on his handsome face, any smile looked good anyway.
Deuk-yong complimented Sol, saying he had a face that didn’t need to do anything, but to Sol, the person with such a face was Yoon Tae-oh. Just sitting quietly and getting his picture taken would probably be enough for him to make a living. Perhaps he stared too much. Tae-oh turned his head to look directly at Sol instead of through the mirror. As his gaze lingered on Sol’s face, Sol quickly lowered his head and finally asked what he had wanted to ask all along.
“Are you really not struggling?”
Ever since learning about Tae-oh’s situation, he had wanted to ask this all along. He wanted to escape from everything. He was struggling so much that he wanted to escape even from his memories, but seeing Tae-oh not showing any signs of avoidance even in such short moments, he wanted to ask. Was he not struggling? Did he not want to escape? Tae-oh remained silent for a long time in response to Sol’s question, staring at him intently.
As Tae-oh’s gaze met Sol’s forehead, Sol’s face turned increasingly red. When he suddenly realized he had done something unnecessary, his heart pounded as if it were about to burst. Conversely, if he had been asked such a question in Tae-oh’s situation, what would he have done? Depending on who the person was, the reaction might have been different, but if someone who wasn’t particularly close or distant had asked, what would he have answered? He might have ignored it, or casually laughed it off, pretending everything was fine.
“It’s a lie.”
Sol lifted his head at the deep, resonant voice coming from above him. Looking up with wide eyes, he found Tae-oh staring down at him with a rather serious expression. He had thought he would ignore him, but unexpectedly, he gave a very honest answer. Despite confidently saying he was fine to his close friend Ji-ho, he told Sol that it was a lie. Sol stared at Tae-oh with a bewildered expression.
“I think about it every day. Is it right for me to continue doing this? If I were in my right mind, I should just do whatever comes my way to earn money.”
“...”
“Don’t you think so? It’s not normal to be sitting here like this when the family might be in dire straits, and the household might be on the verge of collapse, with family members possibly dying soon.”
“I... never thought of it like that.”
Sol suddenly felt choked as Tae-oh’s words poured out. The voice he managed to squeeze out sounded strained, almost as if his breath were being cut off. Feeling really choked and suffocated, he knocked on his collarbone area a couple of times, as if trying to clear his throat. Tae-oh waited silently for Sol.
Despite the content of his outburst, Sol looked up at Tae-oh, whose voice was surprisingly calm. There wasn’t a hint of hesitation in his expression. The atmosphere was so quiet that it was hard to tell whether his recent words were sincere or just a playful jest. It was an expression that seemed disconnected from reality.
“You said to Ji-ho hyung that you’re fine. But... why are you saying this to me?”
“There are things you can’t say when you’re too close.”
Tae-oh’s words sounded familiar to Sol. It was the inner thoughts he had confided to Eun-gyeom, whom he first met in the practice room that day, thoughts he had kept to himself. He’s worried about people getting tired of him or feeling disappointed in him, or that they might not like or accept him. Inner thoughts that he couldn’t reveal even to close friends.
Tae-oh could say these things to himself now because, just like that day when Sol said the same to Eun-gyeom, they were nothing more than acquaintances, without any expectations, just a casual relationship. Sol realized.
“Yes, that’s right. Sometimes there are things you can only say to someone who’s not really anything to you. Because there’s no disappointment or expectation.”
Sol looked back on the day when he behaved like Tae-oh, recalling the words Eun-gyeom had said to him. And he remembered how he had cried uncontrollably and poured out the stories that had been pent up inside, feeling much lighter afterward. Just as Eun-gyeom had done for himself, he wanted to do the same for Tae-oh.
He wondered if Eun-gyeom, who was giving him advice that day, felt the same way. Even though his nose was stuffy and he hadn’t yet escaped from the shadow of the past, he wanted to make him feel even slightly better, if only for a moment.
“I might be overstepping, but... If I were Ji-ho hyung, I would have wanted you to be honest with me. After all, he asked because he wanted to hear your feelings. Just like now what you’re doing now.”
“Really? Everyone’s busy and struggling with their own problems. There’s no need for me to whine as well.”
“But as Tae-oh said, we’re a team. And even though I’m not, you two are friends. If you’re friends, he should be glad that you relied on him. If you don’t say it, how would he know?”
