“Not really.”
Tae-oh didn’t expect him to open up easily, but considering how indecisive and easily swayed by the atmosphere around him Ga-ram usually was, his response was firm. Tae-oh crossed his arms and slightly leaned to one side in reaction to Ga-ram’s answer. This was a habitual stance Tae-oh took whenever he was pondering something or something was bothering him.
“Then why are you acting like this?”
“Like what?”
“You’ve been staring at your phone all day. Are you even getting any sleep?”
“...”
Before Sol joined the dorm, Ga-ram was the first to struggle with waking up in the morning. However, these days, he would be up even before Ji-ho tried to wake him and sometimes he would be sitting alone on the living room sofa. Tae-oh, who had once come to the living room at night for a drink of water, was surprised to see Ga-ram sitting on the sofa staring at his phone.
When Tae-oh saw him staring blankly at the phone screen emitting a blue light in the dark living room, he found it strange and said a few words, prompting Ga-ram to retreat to his room. Dark circles were visible on his face, and it seemed he was not sleeping at all, just staring at his phone throughout the night. Tae-oh carefully brought up the topic, recalling a tough time Ga-ram had gone through.
“Are you having a hard time these days? Or... has it started again?”
During the time when he was tormented by stalkers and malicious comments, Ga-ram couldn’t keep his hands off his phone, or his PC. Tae-oh, who was inherently blunt, tried his best to ask softly and cautiously, but he couldn’t soften the atmosphere that surrounded him. Did Ga-ram perceive Tae-oh’s tone as somewhat interrogative? Ga-ram’s expression sharpened, and he suddenly raised his voice.
“I said no! I can take care of it myself, so just mind your own business!”
“What do you mean, you’ll take care of it? Explain yourself properly.”
At Ga-ram’s sharp reply, Tae-oh’s brows furrowed. Ga-ram, who poured out his words irritably, turned his body away, and Tae-oh reached out to grab him. As soon as Tae-oh’s hand touched his shoulder, Ga-ram recoiled and shook him off in disgust. Tae-oh’s face hardened even more at Ga-ram’s unusual reaction.
“Kang Ga-ram.”
Tae-oh’s low voice sank even deeper. The stern, cold tone alone was enough to make a person shrink back. At Tae-oh’s call, Ga-ram brushed his hair back and raised his head. His actions exuded a strong sense of irritation and anxiety.
At the moment Tae-oh was about to say something more, his phone vibrated. The contact displayed on the screen was his mother, who was at the hospital with his younger sister. Determined to resolve the issue at hand first, Tae-oh ignored the ringing phone and fixed his gaze on Ga-ram. The vibration sound filled the silence between the two, who were confronting each other without a word. Ga-ram glanced at the text on Tae-oh’s phone and gestured with his chin.
“Take the call first. It could be urgent.”
Reluctantly, Tae-oh nodded, as the call was indeed on his mind. Based on past experience, when Tae-oh received such calls, it was either something bad or extremely urgent was happening. Tae-oh clenched his teeth and then relaxed. The muscles in his sharp, pronounced jaw tensed and then smoothed out.
Turning his back, Tae-oh answered the call. A woman’s tearful voice came through the phone, but Ga-ram pretended not to hear. When Tae-oh finally said, “I’ll be there right away,” Ga-ram decided the confrontation was over and took a step forward. As Ga-ram moved away, Tae-oh hurriedly grabbed his arm. This time, Ga-ram did not shake him off.
“...We’ll talk again after I come back.”
“It’s really fine. It’s nothing. I was just on my phone for a bit. What, am I not allowed to surf the web anymore?”
“It’s not that...”
“I was just looking for some samples, so I was on my phone a bit more than usual. But do I need to get permission for how many hours I can use my phone in a day?”
“I’m not interrogating you; I’m asking because I’m worried. Sung Sol too...”
“Enough. You just receive a call from the hospital. So just go.”
“......”
Tae-oh rubbed his forehead at Ga-ram’s mocking tone. Suddenly, he had a headache. Even while having a short argument with Ga-ram, Tae-oh’s phone kept ringing loudly. This time, it was their manager, Yeong-ho. No doubt he had heard the news and was calling.
Tae-oh had a more urgent and serious problem than the friend standing before him. Just like Ga-ram said, dealing with that first was the right thing to do. Tae-oh nodded at Ga-ram, who then walked away alone.
“Hello. Yes, Yeong-ho hyung. I’ll take a taxi there. It’s okay.”
Even though it wasn’t his issue, Yeong-ho’s voice on the phone was more urgent than Tae-oh’s. Tae-oh, with a very calm and low voice, actually managed to calm Yeong-ho down. After hanging up, Tae-oh called out to Ga-ram, who was walking towards their dormitory.
“Kang Ga-ram!”
When Tae-oh called out, Ga-ram stopped and turned around.
“Let’s talk when I get back.”
Although the voice was too soft to be heard clearly, the movement of the lips said, “Okay.” Watching Ga-ram reach the entrance of the dormitory, Tae-oh quickly turned around and ran out.
***
After Tae-oh left, Ga-ram returned to the dormitory alone, threw his luggage haphazardly in the living room, and lay down on the cold bare floor. No lights were on, but since the dormitory was well lit by sunlight, it was moderately bright and dim, which gave a bit of a sense of stability.
There was no need for Ga-ram to act so recklessly towards Tae-oh; he had overreacted excessively. Although regretting it now wouldn’t allow him to gather the spilled water, his reaction surely would raise more questions. He should have responded as calmly and composedly as Tae-oh. But it wasn’t as easy as he thought. Whenever that incident came to mind, all sorts of anger and emotions exploded and tangled, making it impossible for him to control himself.
“Haah...”
Ga-ram sighed deeply and curled up on the cold living room floor. Maybe because he was alone, the living room of the dormitory felt colder than the practice room floor. Tae-oh’s words were bothering him.
‘It’s not an interrogation, I asked because I’m worried. Sung Sol too...!’
Especially the part about ‘Sol’ was noteworthy. Had he seen something that morning?
He hoped Sol didn’t know. Occasionally, when he saw Sol looking anxious in the practice room, it reminded him of his own hard times, making him feel a desire to support and hold on to him.
Was it a sense of camaraderie? Unintentionally, he had even reprimanded him. Sol said he was fine with a smile, but it still bothered him. Everything had been off from their first meeting, and he always felt sorry for him. But what he said last time was sincere.
He liked Sol’s calm and clear voice and hoped that Sol would sing his song when its song was completed. Since the song was originally made with Sol in mind, it would surely suit him well when finished.
“I should have gone out with him.”
If he had known he would clash with Tae-oh like this, he might have been better off going out with Sol instead. Ga-ram briefly regretted it but soon shook his head. In the current situation, being with him would have done no good. Before, whenever Ga-ram spent time with acquaintances, he would inevitably receive photos of them from someone. Suddenly recalling what that stalker did sent chills all over his body again.
Ga-ram didn’t want any of the members to become a target. That included Tae-oh as well. Tae-oh asked him to talk about the problem he was having, but Ga-ram didn’t want to burden him, who was already struggling with his own issues and worries. Since Ga-ram didn’t know where or how he was being watched, he wanted to avoid talking or sticking together with the other members outside of the dorm.
It was okay if it was just him suffering. What difference would it make if something already broken got broken twice? It was enough for him to be the target alone. He didn’t even want to think about the possibility of Sol or his other friends being noticed by hanging out with him.
The mere thought of the members experiencing what Ga-ram had gone through made it hard to breathe and filled him with rage. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to vent this lump of emotion and swing it recklessly at the stalker, who was the source of it. If he could, Ga-ram would have shouted and hurt that person without any sense of reason. Even though it would make him the same kind of worst human being, at least he would feel some relief.
Maybe it was thanks to the chill of the living room floor that his head cooled down, but a sudden wave of exhaustion hit him. As Tae-oh had said, Ga-ram had hardly slept for two days. His anxiety had grown so much that he couldn’t sleep, and his eyes hurt from constantly checking the community sites for new posts.
Ga-ram needed to rest a bit. As the rage that had been boiling in his heart subsided, he began to worry about and feel sorry for his friend, who had surely been contacted about something bad. Ga-ram thought he should talk and apologize properly to Tae-oh when he returned, and with that, he moved to the sofa, curled up, and tried to catch a little sleep. The dorm, now empty for the first time in a long while, felt excessively quiet.
Bzzz-.
Startled by the vibration from his pocket, Ga-ram woke up with a jolt. It seemed quite some time had passed since he fell asleep, as there was no sunlight left in the living room. His shoulder hurt like it was going to come out of its socket because he had slept curled up, but first, he checked his phone, which was still vibrating in his pocket. The continuous buzzing wasn’t like a call; it was the vibration of nonstop incoming messages. Feeling a chill, Ga-ram tapped on the message inbox full of red notifications.
Ga-ram~
Why aren’t you hanging out with your friends?
Are you not getting along?
(A picture of Ji-ho eating tteokbokki, his face partially washed out by the reflected light on the glass window.)
This guy is cute. I even know his number.
This is Sol, right? Your friend. He’s really pretty. Should I like him instead of you? He seems really nice.
(A picture of Sol smiling in a light pink hoodie.)
“…Shit.”
When was the last time Ga-ram swore out loud? His fingers trembled as he scrolled through the screen filled with messages.
