"What exactly do you mean by 'every time I get in a four-wheeled vehicle, this happens'?"
At Tae-oh's question, Sol's eyes flew wide open. It suddenly hit him what he had just said. He had never properly spoken about it, not even to Yoo-chan, his closest friend, whom he trusted and relied on. The trauma of the car accident. The wounds on his body had healed, and he pretended to be completely over it, as if the scars had never existed. It was an illness he had never acknowledged, not even to himself.
There was no way to take back the words he had already spoken. Sol rolled his eyes in a circle, trying to appear nonchalant. He let out a chuckle, trying to make it seem like it was no big deal.
"My head just hurts a little..."
Sol, who was trying to downplay his symptoms as much as possible, met Tae-oh's gaze. The moment their eyes locked, he trailed off. His dark pupils seemed to be urging him to speak the truth. Feeling uncomfortable at the thought of deceiving the other, he averted his gaze and added a few more symptoms.
"I feel dizzy, like I’m going to throw up... and it’s a little hard to breathe... that's about it."
"..."
Of course, he left out the part about how every time the car sped up, he felt an overwhelming fear that an accident was imminent. Or how vivid flashbacks of the accident replayed before his eyes, like a scene on repeat in a movie. Tae-oh didn’t react at all, so Sol tried to wrap up the conversation as he always did, with an awkward laugh.
"What do you mean by 'that's about it'?"
Tae-oh frowned slightly when he heard his half-hearted "that's about it" tacked on to his list of symptoms. Sensing his mood, Sol sat up, feeling the weight of the moment. This wasn't a conversation he could continue while lying down.
"I usually can't take it anymore by that point, so I just get out."
Sol had always been someone who avoided confrontation, taking the cowardly way out of everything. He never even tried to face uncomfortable situations. At 25, he didn’t have a driver’s license, and his fear of buses was so intense that he sometimes chose to skip school altogether. Tae-oh's thick eyebrows furrowed even more at Sol's awkward attempt at a smile.
His dark, thick eyebrows stood out sharply against his clean forehead, making him seem more serious, even with the slightest movement. For a moment, an uncomfortable expression crossed Tae-oh’s face. It was a look Sol had never seen before.
"Why are you telling me this now? You said it was just motion sickness before. Weren't you trying to hide it?"
Was it because of that expression? Although Tae-oh’s voice was as flat and emotionless as usual, Sol shrank back, already anxious. Lowering his head like a scolded child, Sol sat on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with his fingers as he offered an explanation to satisfy Tae-oh's curiosity.
"…Because you're the leader. If something difficult happens because of me, you’ll be the one in the most awkward position. So… I thought you should know."
Tae-oh, who had been silently watching Sol looking dejected, let out a sigh. At the sound of Tae-oh’s sigh, Sol shrank even further. As if someone were hammering nails into his head, Sol hunched his shoulders and bowed his head so low that it nearly touched the bed. Seeing Sol looking like he had committed some grave crime, Tae-oh’s brow furrowed even more deeply.
"My mother gets startled even when something quickly passes by her."
"Ah!"
Unlike Tae-oh’s calm voice, Sol gasped in surprise at his words. He hadn’t brought it up expecting Tae-oh to have a similar family situation to his own.
"She still gets very startled by loud noises, like car horns. It’s pretty common after an accident."
It was something anyone could experience after a traumatic incident, though to varying degrees. It was as natural and expected as catching a cold after shivering in the cold for too long.
"Did you receive any treatment or counseling?"
"Ah, yeah… After the accident, I went to see a psychiatrist."
Sol quickly nodded and answered Tae-oh’s follow-up question, but Tae-oh was bothered by the fact that Sol was speaking in the past tense.
"What about now?"
Sol’s head sank even lower.
"There are… some circumstances."
Circumstances, my foot. His depression had worsened by the day, and it wasn’t just the PTSD from the accident that was the issue. Losing his family in the accident was a wound, of course, but in truth, he had been angry at everything back then. Angry at himself for suggesting the trip, at himself for not being able to dance despite being physically fine, at the person responsible for the accident, at the people who looked at him with pity, and at the doctors who urged him to open up. He had been angry at all the inexplicable things that had happened to him.
Naturally, therapy wasn’t going to work in that state. With no visible progress and worsening symptoms, he became more distrustful, and not all the doctors he met during that time were ideal. The biggest problem, however, was that he couldn’t even go to the hospital on his own without help from others. That’s how his treatment ended. In the end, it was just another thing he had run away from.
The frustration with his own situation and attitude was overwhelming. He had never sought to be understood. He himself couldn’t comprehend why he was living like this, so how could anyone else possibly understand? Yet, being human, Sol didn’t want to be criticized, nor did he want to be pitied. Recently, he had been getting along well with Tae-oh and the other members. They had become close enough to be called friends, and he had received a lot of help from them, but most importantly, he was happy.
He didn’t want to ruin the relationship he had now. That’s why he wanted to hide his frustrating flaws even more, but he regretted blurting out words without thinking, wondering what he had been thinking in the first place. 'What if they think I'm hopeless, a ticking time bomb, and end up disappointed?' Sol's face darkened rapidly. If left alone, it seemed he’d dig himself into the ground, lie down, and cover himself with dirt.
For reasons different from Sol’s, Tae-oh's expression also grew serious. Concerned that his excessive involvement might offend Sol, Tae-oh hesitated to speak, struggling to find the right words as he watched Sol’s face, which had fallen even further. But Tae-oh soon made up his mind to speak. His usually serious face became even graver.
"...If it's that hard for you to ride in cars, what do you think about getting treatment again?"
It had been difficult for Tae-oh to say this. He carefully chose his words, thinking through them again and again, but when he finally spoke, his voice came out excessively blunt and detached. Sol, misunderstanding Tae-oh's slightly cold and rigid tone, nodded and let out a bitter laugh.
"So I’m just a burden... Sorry."
At Sol’s apology, Tae-oh quickly reached out and grabbed his wrist. Sol’s pale, thin wrist fit perfectly into Tae-oh's large hand. It looked so fragile and frail, as if it might break if held too tightly, yet the bones beneath Tae-oh’s palm felt firm, revealing Sol’s masculinity. Gripping Sol's wrist, Tae-oh spoke again with a hardened expression.
"I never said you were a burden. I told you to get treatment, not for the sake of the team or the company’s schedule, but for your own sake."
Sol, feeling Tae-oh's grip on his wrist, finally looked up and met his gaze. Tae-oh nodded once, firmly, with a serious expression, and continued speaking resolutely.
"You're in pain right now, aren't you?"
For some reason, Tae-oh’s firm words left Sol speechless. He didn’t know how to respond, so he just sat there, staring at Tae-oh in silence. Sol didn’t know what kind of expression he should be making, but for some reason, it felt like he was about to cry. Seeing Sol’s face twist with emotion, Tae-oh spoke again, even more firmly.
"It’s hurting you, isn’t it? You’re in pain."
"...Yeah."
Sol nodded. He admitted it. All this time, the trauma from the car accident was a non-existent illness for him, but Tae-oh's firm words made all the denial and excuses he had built up fade away, leaving him no choice but to acknowledge it.
Sol looked at Tae-oh, who was holding his wrist and staring straight into his eyes. For some reason, he felt that even if he said, “Actually, I’ve entered a game right now,” Tae-oh would take it seriously. He suddenly had the urge to give it a try. Fearing that he might actually do something reckless if this continued, Sol relaxed his stiff expression and forced a smile.
“I’m sleepy.”
It was an out-of-the-blue comment, but Tae-oh quickly caught on to the meaning behind his words. It was his way of saying he didn’t want to talk anymore.
“Alright… but at least wash your face before you sleep.”
Forcing someone to keep talking when they don’t want to only turns into coercion. Tae-oh released Sol’s wrist, which he had been gripping. Then, with a calm voice, as if nothing serious had happened, he returned to the mood before the heavy conversation. Sol, realizing that Tae-oh had understood and respected his wishes, smiled broadly and responded in a pleading tone he wouldn’t normally use. It was the kind of tone Deuk-yong would use with Ji-ho.
“Let me off just this once.”
When Sol mimicked Deuk-yong, Tae-oh also responded in a tone like Ji-ho’s, who would humor Deuk-yong’s whining.
“This isn’t for me, you know.”
Sol cut him off with a bright smile.
“Yeah, it’s for me.”
“……”
Tae-oh could see it clearly. Just like his mother, who forced herself to smile while caring for his unresponsive, bedridden sister, Sol’s hidden face was visible—he was smiling brightly, pretending to be okay, but he wasn’t happy at all. It was a familiar expression.
“Is there anything else I need to know as a leader?”
“Well… stage fright? Camera anxiety?”
Thinking the uncomfortable situation had ended, Sol was visibly flustered by Tae-oh’s sudden question, his eyes darting around.
“I already know that.”
“Well, other than that, nothing really comes to mind.”
“Alright.”
More or less, Tae-oh's response was a simple 'Got it.' That was the end of it. Tae-oh didn’t ask Sol anything further. Although it was obvious from the subtle shift of Sol’s eyes that there was something more to hide, Tae-oh didn’t press. Like today, with a little more time, it seemed like there would come a day when Sol would speak honestly. There was no point in poking at a sore spot for no good reason.
When a calm settled between the two, Tae-oh returned to his bed as if nothing had happened. The steady sound of breathing that filled the room left Sol with an odd feeling.
'Got it. That’s it?'
It was clearly Sol who had wanted to end the conversation, but Tae-oh’s overly straightforward way of concluding it left Sol feeling unexpectedly disappointed. Even Sol didn’t understand why this was upsetting; it was a fickle feeling that was difficult to grasp. In the end, Sol, feeling strangely unsettled, lost all sleep and got up, letting out a groan as they headed to the bathroom. The sound of the bathroom door closing echoed, and Tae-oh squeezed his eyes shut and let out a long sigh.
hehehe suffer more
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