Sol tightened and then loosened his school uniform necktie. His body was twenty years old, but what inhabited it was an age far removed from high school graduation. To others, he probably just looked appropriately suited for his apparent age, but Sol himself felt awkward in the full uniform and kept fidgeting.
He had questioned the very existence of the uniform, yet when he went to the empty, abandoned house and opened the wardrobe, a clean uniform hung there as if freshly picked up from the cleaners. He had worn a uniform as a stage costume not long ago, but the feeling now was distinctly different.
Leaving the lodging early with Deuk-yong, who also had to attend the morning class, Sol arrived at school much earlier than expected. The sight of the high school, seen after so long, felt unfamiliar, and everything seemed smaller.
He thought he had completely forgotten everything about school, but as his feet carried him along, his hazy memory led him to the exact right spot. An empty classroom. He slowly read the names written on the lockers lined up at the back. His own name, ‘Sung Sol,’ was there, but none of the other names were familiar. He remained impassive, having expected as much.
Sol racked his empty memory, found his assigned seat, and sat at the desk. The chair felt unusually low, and the desk seemed quite compact. He rested his cheek on the sunlit desktop and lay his head down. In that position, he fumbled around inside the desk drawer with his palm.
Of course, it wasn’t there. Back when he attended high school, if he came to school in the morning and lay down like this, reaching into the drawer, his hand would often find a round candy. It was a glucose candy in a crude, navy blue plastic wrapper; that candy used to wake up a drowsy, sluggish Sol in the mornings.
Sol had always thought only Ju-hwan and Yoo-chan were the ones who could have put the candy in his drawer. It was only logical. Sol’s school life memories consisted solely of those two. Deep down, Sol believed it was Ju-hwan who left the candy. But here, neither Ju-hwan nor Yoo-chan existed, so naturally, there could be no candy. His mouth felt just sour enough to need one.
As the classroom’s empty seats filled up, and they moved to the auditorium, and until the graduation ceremony began, Sol stuck out like a foreign object among the kids wearing the same uniform. No one approached him to talk first, and it would have been a problem even if they had.
While roughly settling in and just cautiously observing, the graduation ceremony began before he knew it. It was his first time attending one, but the principal’s speech didn’t reach his ears, and he felt no emotion. The whole affair just felt insignificant.
Sol turned his head and gazed blankly at the blackout curtains covering the auditorium windows. The edge of the curtain fluttered gently, as if the window was slightly open or there was a draft. Once the hollow ceremony ended, everyone took their diplomas and went to find their seats. At every spot footsteps reached, middle-aged women or men holding bouquets were greeting their children.
Watching the scene, Sol, who felt little emotion now, thought, ‘Back then, I probably didn’t come to the graduation because I didn’t want to see that.’ Thinking it was about time to leave, as Sol got up from his seat, a girl called out and stopped him.
"Sung Sol."
When he turned around, a female student holding a small paper box was standing there. She wasn't someone he particularly remembered. Brownish-black hair that fell just past her shoulders, with rounded bangs. Aside from knowing she had been sitting at the very front desk in his class all day today, he knew nothing else about her.
Still, in the past, he probably would have remembered at least her name. It was somewhat embarrassing that while she called him by his name, he didn't even remember hers, even though time had passed. No, even if he went back in time, Sol probably wouldn't have remembered this girl's name.
"I heard from our homeroom teacher. That you're preparing to be an idol, right?"
"Ah... Yeah."
Sol had thought no one would talk to him, caught off guard by this unexpected situation, he shrunk back, answering unsteadily. It was a demeanor he hadn't shown lately while being with his members—not making proper eye contact, trailing off his words, and bowing his head.
Suddenly, a paper box was thrust towards him. The box, made of rough-textured kraft paper, was rather heavy. In a daze, Sol took the box the girl handed over and looked at her with a puzzled expression. She must have been holding it for quite a while, as warmth remained only on the two sides where her hands had touched.
"I just wanted to give you this because it's the last day. Take care."
"Huh? You too, you take care too."
"I'll cheer for you. I hope I get to see you on TV."
As if her only purpose was really just to deliver that item, the girl left those words and quickly dashed off to her friends as soon as Sol took the box into his arms. A few of the girls huddled together with her, whispering about something, but soon left the area, laughing. Sol was left standing alone in that spot, just like the box left by the classmate whose name he didn't know.
Had this nameless classmate waited for him with this box even at that graduation ceremony he hadn't attended? It felt strange. It wasn't a bad feeling to think that at least one person in his class had waited for him to return.
"What's this. Did Sol get confessed to?"
Suddenly, at the sound of a voice belonging to someone who shouldn't be here, Sol jumped like a startled cat and whipped his head around.
"Ji-ho hyung? Tae-oh? Ga-ram?"
Standing behind him were three people—except for Deuk-yong, who was likely still in class—each holding a single flower. It was an impromptu visit, and since none of the three were particularly well-off, the flowers were bouquets sold in front of the school, at the main gate. But even that felt precious enough.
"Sol-ah, congratulations on your graduation."
Ga-ram beamed, holding out a single rose.
"Thanks."
Caught off guard by the congratulation, Sol smiled back and accepted the rose Ga-ram handed him. Led by Ji-ho, Tae-oh and Ga-ram each presented a flower as well, offering their congratulations. Sol's hands were soon full with a paper box and three roses.
He had thought graduation was just a formal, bothersome event, but receiving his members' congratulations made the corners of his mouth lift on their own. He never thought something like this would make him feel so giddy like a child, but Sol's mood soared endlessly skyward. In truth, seeing his familiar members' faces seemed to put his heart at ease again. The feelings of being intimidated and anxious from just moments before melted away like snow. Cheered by the unexpected gift and his members' congratulations, Sol flashed a bright smile, his white teeth showing.
"But, how did you guys get here?"
"Yeong-ho hyung told us to come check it out."
At Sol's question, Tae-oh gave a slight shrug of his shoulders and spoke as if it was no big deal. But it was a lie. Although, it wasn't entirely baseless. They were about to head to the practice room as usual when, in the van, Yeong-ho suddenly brought up, 'You don't think Sol's getting left out or anything, do you?'
The reason was that Sol seemed to go beyond just disliking the graduation ceremony; he seemed to dislike school itself. Hearing Yeong-ho's words, all three of them immediately recalled the time they first met Sol. Sadly, they thought it was quite possible.
With that kind of looks, he would typically be very popular in school. But Sol was awkward and reserved, seemingly without friends, let alone popularity. Looking back, it felt strange to even attach the modifier 'popular' to someone named 'Sung Sol'.
As the thought ended, Ga-ram and Ji-ho instantly looked at Tae-oh simultaneously. Under their gaze, Tae-oh looked at Yeong-ho. In the end, they had urgently turned the car around and come to Sol's school. Strictly speaking, Yeong-ho had never actually told the members to go to Sol's graduation.
Seeing how happy Sol was, Ji-ho thought it was a good decision to come after all. He looked playfully at the box Sol was holding—the box that confirmed Yeong-ho's worries had been unfounded—and spoke.
"We came to congratulate Sol, but our Sol is getting confessed to and everything…. You were popular after all."
"That's not it. It's just…"
"Just 'that's it'?"
When Ji-ho playfully pretended to be hurt, Sol set the box down for a moment on the chair where he had been sitting with a bored look all through the graduation ceremony. Ji-ho's remark left Sol at a loss for words. Since the gift was from a kid whose name he couldn't even remember, it was hard to guess the intention. However, the girl's expression and her words were filled with nothing but goodwill.
"You're friends?"
"...No."
When Tae-oh, who had been watching quietly, asked, Sol shook his head. Saying it out loud, he felt bad toward this classmate whose name he didn't know. He'd hastily accepted the box but hadn't even properly said hello. Hoping there might be something inside with a name on it, he carefully opened the lid.
Inside the box, there wasn't even a small note or a letter. It was simply filled to the brim with one thing.
"Candy."
Grape sugar candies in a familiar, all-too-recognizable dark blue plastic wrapper. Why had he been thinking it was Ju-hwan - who gave these all this time? It seemed he just wanted to think so. Ji-ho read the name printed on the candy wrappers packed inside the box.
"See. Sports Grape Glucose Candy. Weird. People don't usually eat these, right?"
Crunch. It felt like something had shattered, like candy being crushed between molars. Thoughts of Ju-hwan - flashed through his mind rapidly. The things he remembered about Ju-hwan - the feelings he had for Ju-hwan. Had he just been making it all up to suit his own liking? The face of Yoo-chan, who had never really taken to Ju-hwan, came to mind. No, more precisely, a hollow, pitch-black void of a face surfaced.
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't recall Yoo-chan's face. Instead, the image of the little girl who had given him this box just moments ago came to mind clearly. Not 'Seo Ju-hwan,' but 'Tae Eun-gyeom,' who resembled him. No, he couldn't remember Seo Ju-hwan's face. He only thought of Eun-gyeom's face because he acknowledged the resemblance; he could no longer remember exactly what Seo Ju-hwan looked like.
Just a moment ago, he had been happy and joyful, but now something inside Sol had gone awry. It didn't make sense that he couldn't remember what kind of friends they had been to him. Could he still say that he had loved Seo Ju-hwan with an aching heart, that he had relied on Baek Yoo-chan more than anyone, and that it had all been genuine? His head began to throb.
