Sol couldn't do anything. He couldn't open his eyes to look at Ga-ram, who had just kissed him on the forehead, nor could he ask him what he had just done. Even if he opened his eyes and got up right now to face Ga-ram, he wouldn't know what to say. What was he supposed to ask him?
Should he ask why he kissed his forehead, ask if he liked him? Suddenly, he felt his eyelids grow hot. What if Ga-ram said yes? He himself harbored such feelings for Tae-oh, so he wasn't in a position to say anything to Ga-ram. And above all, the thought that Ga-ram liked him... For Ga-ram's sake, that had to be a terrible thing.
The idea that he liked someone like him, that was just too pitiful for Ga-ram. He deserved to have feelings for someone much better than himself. Someone better than a coward like him who couldn't do anything on his own and only ran away, someone who wouldn't hurt his gentle heart.
Sol decided to pretend the contact from moments ago never happened. Wasn't forgetting things constantly his specialty, after all? Forget it. Pretend nothing happened. Ga-ram was still working on the arrangement, and he had just been fast asleep. Thinking that way, Sol tried to court sleep that wouldn't come. Of course, he couldn't fall asleep easily. He was startled, yes, but more than that, his heart ached.
Pretending not to know. How much had it hurt when he had a crush on Seo Ju-hwan, all that 'pretending not to know'? Even though that pain was now faint, there were times when Sol wished Ju-hwan would have just coldly rejected his feelings. He thought it would have hurt less if he had. Sol couldn't figure out if it would be better to act that way towards Ga-ram now.
If things went wrong and he ended up estranged from Ga-ram forever, that would be even more terrible. As Sol squeezed his eyes shut, worrying, Ga-ram's hand, which had been stroking his hair, moved to Sol's hand. Sol's fingers, clenched white with tension due to his troubled mind, were gently pried open by Ga-ram, as if soothing them. Startled, Sol wondered if Ga-ram had noticed he was awake, and he held his breath.
Fortunately, it seemed not. Ga-ram simply spread Sol's fingers and quietly held his hand. Sol's tightly clenched fist must have looked uncomfortable. Ga-ram just wanted to hold it for a while. And so, Ga-ram sat still in the quiet living room for a long time, silently holding Sol's hand.
Sol felt like his held hand and his heart were burning up. His mouth was so dry he felt like jumping up, letting go of Ga-ram's hand, and gulping down cold water. Had Seo Ju-hwan felt this way when he lingered around him? Would Tae-oh feel this way someday? Sol couldn't figure out what to do. He felt like a reed that would sway helplessly in the wind until it snapped.
Ignoring Sol's complicated feelings, the quiet living room was filled only with the ticking of the clock. The warmth of their clasped hands felt so hot, it was almost scalding, and he wanted to let go. He wished that, as always, when he woke up, the memories of today would be completely gone. Then he could go back to their cheerful, comfortable relationship and see Tae-oh and Ga-ram.
It was the first time Sol had ever wished for a blank in his memory as much as today. He had always blamed himself for forgetting important things, but today, of all days, he desperately needed it. But, as always, when you truly need something, it is never granted.
After holding Sol's hand silently for so long, Ga-ram finally let go of the hand he had been gripping and closed his laptop. Then, in a small voice as if whispering, he said to Sol, "Let's go inside and sleep." Although he clearly heard his voice, Sol pretended not to notice until the end. Whether Ga-ram had no intention of desperately trying to wake Sol, he gently touched his hair and whispered, very softly, "Good night."
As Ga-ram's presence gradually moved away from the sofa, Sol turned over and let out a deep sigh. Startled by how loud his own breath was, he pulled the blanket up to his head. It seemed like getting a good night's sleep tonight would be difficult. Lying alone in the quiet living room, the ticking of the clock sounded particularly loud. It wasn't something he had particularly noticed before. Tick, tock. That regularly repeating sound, interlocking with his heartbeat, strangely made him feel anxious.
Unable to bear the stuffiness, just as he was about to kick off the blanket and get up, the door opened and Tae-oh came out. It was dark and he couldn't see well, but since the door to his room opened, it could only be Tae-oh. Sol, who had sprung up like a spring, flopped back down onto the sofa and pretended to be asleep. Pretending to sleep was also quite exhausting.
The sound of footsteps approaching overlapped with the ticking clock. The closer the presence got, the more Sol's heartbeat was layered on top of those two sounds. In his ears, the three sounds combined and were noisy. Piercing through the noise that randomly disturbed his ears, a heavy low voice resonated quietly in the living room. Tae-oh's unusually low voice was strangely fascinating. Although it clearly broke the silence, it brought a quietness akin to silence itself.
"Sung Sol."
Sol clenched his molars tightly. Today was truly a difficult day in many ways.
"Sol-ah."
When Sol showed no reaction, Tae-oh called his name again. This time, he called him in a voice lower and more intimate than before, but softer and warmer, like the glossy fur of a black animal.
Sol almost gasped, sucking in his breath, and nearly jumped up from his spot. Why was he suddenly calling his name so affectionately? It felt like his heart would burst. It couldn't be possible, but it felt exactly like he knew his heart and was teasing him. Tae-oh, unlike the other members, always called him 'Sung Sol' clearly, including his surname.
It wasn't that being called that way ever sounded particularly pointed or distant, but now, removing the surname and calling him only by his first name sounded so incredibly affectionate. He was curious about the face of Tae-oh who called his name like this.
Sol thought about stopping the pretense of sleep now, getting up, and checking Tae-oh's face. But Tae-oh's actions were faster than Sol's. Tae-oh's large hand suddenly reached into the blanket and touched Sol's leg. Startled by the firm forearm that slipped under his sensitive knee, Sol almost screamed. Then, as his other hand also dug under his waist, Tae-oh lifted Sol, blanket and all, into the air.
Although Sol was thin, he was still a man of tall stature. Tae-oh lifted Sol easily and, without hesitation, walked towards the room. Sol, held securely in Tae-oh's arms, felt like his heart was going to burst. His cheek, pressed against Tae-oh's chest, felt like it was burning, and his ears, ringing with the sound of his own heartbeat, were as hot as a furnace. It was a relief that there was a blanket. Sol clutched the blanket tightly and chewed on his lips beneath it.
Tae-oh, holding Sol, subtly twitched the corner of his mouth. Seeing Sol curled up as small as he could on the sofa, his long legs bent, looked uncomfortable and pitiful. He seemed to be deeply asleep, so Tae-oh wanted to move him to the bed so he could sleep comfortably. Honestly, he couldn't say he had no ulterior motives, but underneath that, there was genuine goodwill. However, the moment he embraced Sol, he felt his body go rigid, and Tae-oh couldn't help but realize he was awake. He was as stiff as a log pulled from the water, making it impossible not to notice.
He couldn't tell Sol's true intentions—whether he was pretending to sleep out of embarrassment, or simply resisting fully waking up, as he sometimes did in the mornings—but Tae-oh found his behavior endearing. So, he decided to pretend not to notice either. Thanks to that, he got to hold him like this, so pretending was easy enough.
Tae-oh stifled a laugh and laid Sol down on the bed very carefully. Sol's body, rigid as a tightly wrapped mummy rather than a sleeping person, was so amusing that Tae-oh faced a momentary crisis. He barely managed to suppress his laughter with a fake "Ahem" cough, then spread the blanket neatly over him, tucking in his arms and legs.
Having completed his mission and about to return to his own bed, Tae-oh suddenly remembered the sight of Sol using Ga-ram's thigh as a pillow, tangled up with him. He stopped in his tracks and walked back to Sol. Even though physical contact between members had become natural, he felt a sudden pang of jealousy, wondering if that had been too close.
Tae-oh raised his hand and placed it on Sol's forehead. He had intended to stroke his hair, but Tae-oh's hands were large, and Sol's small face with its distinct, well-defined features was so compact that Tae-oh's palm covered down to Sol's eyelids. Feeling the warmth on his eyelids, Sol flinched slightly. Keeping his eyes tightly shut, he couldn't tell what Tae-oh was trying to do. All of Tae-oh's actions were clenching and unclenching Sol's heart.
His heart was pounding so wildly he wondered if, should he tear his clothes open, the frantic beating would be visible through his thin skin. He felt like his heart would explode. He worried that his heart might race so fast it would cause something serious, like hyperventilation or an arrhythmia. Just as Sol, thinking he might actually die, was growing deeply troubled, Tae-oh bent down and whispered in a voice so small it was barely audible, meant only for Sol.
"Good night."
His soft, bass voice, like frothy milk, tickled his ear, making his toes curl and a shiver run down his spine. He wanted to scratch his itchy ear or rub the goosebumps on his arm right away. When Tae-oh got up and returned to his bed, Sol quickly turned over, clutching his chest tightly.
'Why! Why is he doing that!'
He had always been affectionate, but it had never been to this degree. He even thought he heard the sound of Tae-oh, his back now turned to him, let out a light, teasing laugh as if mocking him. It felt almost as if Tae-oh, now that he knew Sol's true feelings, was trying to put him through some sort of trial by playing these games. Sol had a grim premonition that hiding his heart would be more difficult than before. If his heart kept pounding like this, he felt he probably wouldn't die of natural causes. Sol spent the whole night clutching his chest, groaning and agonizing over it. Of course, it went without saying that Ga-ram in the next room also spent the night with his own stomach in knots.
