“Earlier, you mentioned...”
“Yeah?”
Sol, who couldn’t look Tae-oh in the eye or continue the conversation, fidgeted in the blanket. Surprised by how close Tae-oh got, as if whispering, Sol opened his eyes wide and looked up at him. When the startled Sol let out a loud sound, Tae-oh placed his index finger on his lips and made a ‘shh’ sound. Luckily, Ga-ram was still asleep, oblivious to the world.
“You said you went through something similar to me. How was it for you?”
“Me? I can’t really give you a model answer.”
Sol stared blankly at Tae-oh, blinking. He didn’t expect such a question. He wasn’t exactly a model for others, and he was more used to receiving advice and being scolded than giving it. It was the first time someone asked him how he coped.
As he tried to put into words what he had done, Sol felt embarrassed and pretended to fall asleep by closing his eyes. With his eyes closed, he could feel Tae-oh’s every small movement more clearly, as he was close enough for him to feel his breath.
“Unlike you, I ran away. I gave up on everything that made me uncomfortable, sad, and exhausted.”
Saying this made him even more embarrassed, and his ears turned bright red.
“I didn’t want to remember, so I tried to forget everything and blamed myself. I did everything I shouldn’t have done.”
“Did you run away to here?”
“...I couldn’t do what I used to do... No, it’s more accurate to say I made myself unable to do it...”
Sol’s eyes snapped open at Tae-oh’s continued questioning. Although he hadn’t come to this world by choice, in retrospect, it seemed that way. Unlike when he first met Tae-oh, he couldn’t readily say an answer, just as when Ga-ram had asked if he still wanted to be an idol.
Unable to explain the complex and strange feelings he was experiencing or why he ended up here with them, Sol furrowed his brow slightly. Sol was an expert at running away. Maybe he should have taken up running instead of dance from the start. Sol thought that perhaps in response to Tae-oh’s question, it might not have been inevitable, but rather a preordained sequence of events. Ju-hwan’s marriage, his inability to graduate from university, Yoo-chan’s imminent departure, and no longer being able to dance.
The situations he fled from, trying to escape the hardships, eventually compounded into a greater sense of loss. Even if Sol didn’t want to run away anymore, the accumulated snowball of problems continued to chase him. Having quit on his own, he could no longer claim to be a dancer, and his own actions practically ruined his university life.
When Ju-hwan and Yoo-chan left, he had no friends or acquaintances left, and that was the result of his own actions. That’s why, on that day, when he saw a game character resembling Ju-hwan, he might have thought of running away. Not to the reality where nothing remained, but to the place where Eun-gyeom, who resembled the smiling Ju-hwan, was.
It was a ridiculous thought, but it suddenly occurred to him. There was no way to express it in words, and no matter how he tried to explain it, Tae-oh wouldn’t understand. After all, saying “You’re a game character” to the person in front of him was absurd. He would be sent straight to a mental hospital.
“I can’t explain it well myself. Anyway, it seems I didn’t have a place there.”
Sol looked up at Tae-oh and reached out slightly. When his fingertips touched Tae-oh’s broad shoulder, he felt the firmness and warmth even in that slight contact. He couldn’t simply say that this was just a game character and not reality. Now, this life, Ga-ram sleeping soundly in the bed next to him, and Tae-oh, whose warmth he felt at his fingertips, was more vivid and passionate than anyone else. Sol scratched the side of his head, unable to find more words.
“Anyway, being here like this, should I call it running away?”
Sol awkwardly smiled and glanced at Tae-oh.
“I think... this is your place.”
“...”
“You seem comfortable, like you’ve found your place.”
After a moment of silence, Tae-oh’s sudden words made Sol press his lips tightly together. His thin, red lips twisted and turned redder as they were pressed hard. Tae-oh’s words made Sol choke up. Tears welled up in his eyes.
Inside, he murmured, ‘No, it’s just because there’s something wrong with my head, and I have no thoughts right now.’ But he couldn’t say it out loud. His nose tingled and his vision blurred. Sol distorted his face, pulling the blanket higher to only show his eyes outside.
“…Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For saying it looks like I found my place.”
His voice shook uncontrollably, almost like he was crying. Sol continued, struggling to hold back tears. Hearing those words from Tae-oh made him really feel like this was his place.
Feeling as if he had finally found a new place to start again after wandering, his heart suddenly swelled with emotion, and tears welled up in his eyes. Sol clutched the edge of the blanket with both hands as he continued to speak. He was certain that if he lowered the blanket, his face would look terribly disheveled.
“It suddenly felt like my place disappeared overnight. One day, I felt like I had fallen into another world where I couldn’t even communicate, not the place I used to know.”
“…Sung Sol?”
“After that thing happened to me… I just wandered around in circles. I felt like I shouldn’t be satisfied, like I shouldn’t do what I enjoyed. I felt like I shouldn’t live a normal life, so I isolated myself….”
At the sound of Sol’s completely tearful voice, Tae-oh opened his eyes wide and looked down at him. It was the first time Tae-oh had such an expression.
“Clearly, I did it because I wanted to…”
He had definitely brought it upon himself. He had avoided pitying glances, pretended to be okay, and acted mean. He had firmly told his dance teachers that he couldn’t do this anymore. He had done it all to himself, but as a result, he had become an empty person.
“My place has disappeared.”
He had become completely empty. Since there was nothing he wanted to hold on to or keep, it was easier to run away. Tae-oh’s words, that it looked like Sol had found his place, filled his heart.
Overwhelmed by the warm emotions, Sol blinked his big eyes and let the tears fall. Thinking it was pointless sorrow, he rubbed his eyes roughly with the back of his hand. It felt awkward to be the one crying when Tae-oh was the one having a hard time.
“Sorry. You’re the one struggling right now. But I’m okay now. It’s been a long time…”
“Does time really make everything okay eventually?”
“…Yes, I think so.”
When Tae-oh asked with a faint smile, Sol rubbed his eyes, took a deep breath, and answered. He wanted to reply very brightly and energetically, but felt a little guilty about it. But honestly, Sol had been feeling much better recently.
As Sol roughly wiped away his flowing tears, Tae-oh cautiously placed his large hand on Sol’s shoulder. When the heavy hand pressed down on his hunched shoulder, Sol stopped rubbing his eyes so harshly that they had turned red. Then Tae-oh slowly began to pat his shoulder.
“There was a brief opportunity for me to perform on stage at the sunbaes’ concert. It was just about three minutes long. My family was on their way to see it.”
As Tae-oh’s story spread through several people, Sol didn’t know the full details of what had happened to him. In fact, there weren’t many who knew the detailed circumstances. Tae-oh was a man of few words, and by the time he returned to the company after his break, the rumors had already spread enough that there was no need to talk about it. Especially because there was someone who loved gossiping, it was the first time Sol heard Tae-oh speak about this matter directly from his own mouth.
Tae-oh stared intently at Sol, who was sniffing back tears. Why, though? They weren’t particularly close; in terms of closeness, he was closer to Ga-ram. However, the story he was telling now was something he hadn’t even told Ga-ram in such detail.
“I imagined my family watching me from the audience. So I thought I had to work harder, to stand out more than the other trainees. But when I came offstage, Yeong-ho hyung was pale and told me we had to go to the hospital.”
That day, the company had even prepared tickets. They suggested it might be a good idea to show his dancing since he hadn’t had a chance to properly perform since becoming a trainee. Gratefully, he accepted and excitedly contacted his family like a child.
“My younger sister liked singing. She also liked sitting in the passenger seat, playing the songs she wanted to sing. That’s why my mother always sat in the backseat.”
Maybe his sister should have been the one to become a singer, not him. If that had been the case, maybe he would have been the one sitting in the front seat. His sister would have done better than him. Unlike him, she was bright, cheerful, and fun. Surely, many people would have liked her.
Tae-oh continued to speak, lost in thought, while patting Sol’s shoulder. The trembling he felt through his shoulder seemed to grow stronger instead of calming down.
“The driver was drunk. The culprit was just a college student. When his parents arrived, he cried like a child.”
“......”
“Seeing that, I didn’t want to cry. Maybe that’s why, even though we lost Dad, I didn’t shed any tears.”
Seeing that person’s parents arrived while he was drunk and incoherent, he burst into tears, crying, “What am I going to do?” That image was still vivid in his memory. As he sat on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, Tae-oh resolved not to cry like that. After all, there was no one left to comfort him even if he did cry like that.
His father had left with the car he cherished, and his sister had become an empty shell. His mother was now physically incapable of returning to her previous daily life. “I must not cry.” There was no one left to solve his problems or offer him help, even if he cried.
“Two minutes and fifty-six seconds. It was just one song, but I couldn’t show it to my sister. When she wakes up again, I want her to be able to watch it for a bit longer, even in the hospital.”
Tae-oh could no longer pat Sol’s shoulder. Feeling Sol’s thin, trembling shoulder in his palm, Tae-oh stopped patting and instead held on tightly. Looking into Sol’s eyes, Tae-oh spoke with a calm expression.
“It seems we still have a long way to go before she wakes up. Debuting is not easy.”
baby......
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