“…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize it was this serious. It’s all because of me.”
Sol’s apology was almost a sob. When he first opened his mouth, he was simply filled with guilt and remorse, but after apologizing, he felt as though he had ruined the relationship he had built again, and eventually burst into tears.
He still felt pessimistic the day when he had to let go of Ju-hwan, whom he had loved unrequitedly, but it was still just another ordinary morning and that’s when he fell into this world. He felt as though he was forcing himself into a corner, and now, just when he had found someone to lean on, he was making that person leave again. In that moment, all his feelings of guilt, sorrow, sadness, and anger towards himself mixed together, and tears flowed down Sol’s cheeks.
Because his head was bowed low, Ga-ram couldn’t see Sol’s tears. His eyes were burning, and his vision was blurred with tears. Ga-ram’s worn-out, dirty sneakers appeared faintly. The teardrop that had pooled in Sol’s eye fell to the ground.
Hearing Sol’s trembling voice, Ga-ram raised his head and looked at him. Sol’s head was bowed so low that his long, white neck bones protruded visibly. He looked fragile, like a deer’s neck that was about to snap. Seeing Sol’s pale skin, Ga-ram thought that it was he who should be apologizing.
“No, Sol.”
Just as Sol had done for him in the car, Ga-ram clasped Sol’s hand, which was clenched into a white-knuckled fist. Sol’s hands, with their protruding joints, were excessively cold. Unconsciously, Ga-ram tightened his grip on Sol’s hand.
“It’s not your fault. It’s that person who’s wrong…. It’s not your fault. In fact… because of me, you…”
Unable to finish his sentence, Ga-ram clamped his mouth shut, overwhelmed with emotion, and simply looked at Sol.
Afraid that person might open the door, Ga-ram just stood holding the doorknob inside the dark dorm.
Outside, he could hear the voices of Deuk-yong and Ji-ho calling out Sol’s name urgently. He pretended not to hear them. When they began shouting Sol’s name more urgently, he realized something had happened to Sol, but still, he couldn’t let go of the doorknob. He was worried and afraid that something serious had happened to Sol. But more than that, he was afraid of facing that person if he opened the door.
Coward. If it weren’t for him, Sol and everyone wouldn’t have gone through this. As the root of the problem, he had run away cowardly, leaving Sol behind. On the night he had asked Sol, ‘Do you still not want to be an idol?’ while carrying his bag, he had said that if Sol collapsed, even if not not Tae-oh, he would still take Sol to the hospital.
He meant it. He sincerely wanted to protect Sol, who was trying his best. But when it actually happened today, he hid behind the iron door. Unable to face Sol’s teary, wide-eyed gaze, Ga-ram avoided his eyes.
“I heard everything from inside. You had an accident, you were in danger... I was.”
“You were scared, right?”
“...Sol-ah?”
That single word, filled with emotion, silenced Ga-ram. In a voice trembling with anxiety and full of concern, as if he had experienced it himself, Ga-ram could no longer say anything. Sol’s single word made his heart feel at ease.
“I thought you weren’t in the dorm because all the lights were off. No, I thought you went out with Tae-oh.”
Looking directly at Ga-ram, who was avoiding his gaze, Sol wiped the tears welling up in his eyes. Instead of blaming him and saying that it was all his fault, that everyone was inconvenienced because of his careless actions, Ga-ram apologized. Even though he had contributed to his hellish time trapped in the dark dormitory.
“If it were me, I would have cried and begged to be saved.”
“I’m sorry... I’m really sorry.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have told you that I lost my phone that day. No, I shouldn’t have come back alone. Everyone insisted and tried to stop me. I was too selfish. I’m sorry.”
Looking back, he regretted everything. Although regretting wouldn’t change anything. Ga-ram, who couldn’t come out after hearing the commotion outside? He could understand a hundred, even a thousand times. If it were him, he would have run away, begging for his life from the start. He might have even sacrificed someone else if he could.
“...You’re right. That person was wrong. I’m glad you didn’t run into her.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Let’s stop apologizing. We could spend all day apologizing. Yeong-ho hyung would be surprised if he saw us.”
Sol completely wiped the tears from his face. Then, as Ji-ho and Deuk-yong had taught him, he lifted the corners of his mouth and, remembering Tae-oh, who had spoken calmly and confidently about his difficult experiences, said:
“And now I think I’m stronger than I thought.”
At Sol’s sudden words, Ga-ram looked puzzled. Seeing his slightly bewildered face, Sol felt so pretentious that he couldn’t help but laugh. When Sol burst into laughter, Ga-ram found it didn’t matter anymore. They were not filming a youth drama, but two grown men crying and laughing were a sight. It was better than both of them tearfully apologizing and being consumed by regret.
After Yeong-ho left, Sol, lying in a two-person hospital room, wiggled his toes. Watching the drops of the nutrient IV fall, he suddenly remembered Deuk-yong’s face, who must have fallen asleep by now, and let out an unexpected laugh.
“Why are you laughing?”
Ga-ram, who was lying on the bed next to him, couldn’t sleep either, so when Sol burst into laughter, he turned over completely.
“Deuk-yong bought tteokbokki and sundae? He said he’s going to make you eat all of it and then drag you out for exercise.”
“...Who decided that, anyway?”
“Deuk-yong ate a ton today. He’s in big trouble without an exercise mate.”
When Ga-ram turned to look at Sol, Sol also turned towards him, his eyes sparkling in the darkness. Despite ending up in the hospital because of such an incident, lying face to face like this felt like being on a school trip.
“I’m sorry.”
“I told you to stop apologizing. If you apologize, I have to apologize too. I’m sorry, Ga-ram.”
“No, it’s me who’s sorry.”
“...It never ends.”
When Ga-ram stared at Sol with a sad face and apologized, Sol quickly apologized back. If Sol didn’t stop him, Ga-ram seemed ready to apologize all night long. Sol clicked his tongue and shifted the conversation to a different topic to break this endless cycle of apologies.
“When I was still dancing, I performed on a really big stage with my seniors.”
“Yeah.”
“But in the middle, I forgot the next move. My mind went blank, and I ended up in the wrong position.”
“And then?”
Talking quietly in the silent hospital room made his heart oddly flutter. As Sol reminisced and laughed softly while telling the story, Ga-ram erased the sadness from his face and focused on his voice.
“After the performance, the teacher and everyone asked who messed up, but I couldn’t admit it was me.”
“You didn’t get caught?”
“No. The makeup was so thick it was hard to tell. It was stage makeup.”
“That’s a relief.”
“That’s what I thought back then, right? But now that I think about it, the seniors standing in front of and behind me must have known I made a mistake.”
Ga-ram’s agreement made Sol smile sheepishly. In the past, thinking about that day made him uncomfortable, but for some reason, today it wasn’t as hard. Instead, feeling a bit at ease, Sol’s eyes started to droop.
A lot had happened today. He finished the second weekend evaluation, succeeded in the quest, went out with Deuk-yong and Ji-ho, and now here he was lying in a hospital bed next to Ga-ram, talking about old times. Too much had happened. Although he was starting to feel sleepy, Sol wanted to share this story with Ga-ram.
“In hindsight, there’s no way they didn’t know.”
“Did everyone know and just not say anything?”
“Yeah, seems like it. They must have all known I made a mistake but just pretended not to notice.”
Looking back now, it was impossible that they didn’t know. They practiced the choreography together every day, each person had their own spot. The person in front of Sol would have noticed that the spot was empty and realized that Sol had made a mistake. He tried to remember who was in front and behind him back then, but it had been so long that he couldn’t recall their faces. He just remembered that they were seniors he wasn’t particularly close to.
“But why does that matter?”
“I think I understand now what those seniors were thinking when they pretended not to notice.”
Ga-ram looked puzzled, his innocent expression making Sol smile. Suddenly, he felt like he had become a cool older brother to him. Even though he was only twenty years old.
“It’s like I’m saying that this hyung will turn a blind eye for you.”
“Hyung?”
“Yeah, something like that. You don’t need to understand.”
“Explain it properly, Sol.”
“Just think of it as the generosity of a hyung.”
“Why are you suddenly calling yourself hyung?”
Though Sol told the story with a sense of pride, Ga-ram’s voice in response was full of discontent. Instead of answering Ga-ram’s probing questions, Sol just raised an eyebrow and closed his eyes. Ga-ram would probably never understand why he called himself a ‘hyung’. Even if it were explained, he wouldn’t get it.
The truth was, even if Sol said he was really twenty-five, it would be dismissed as a joke. But it didn’t matter. Like a joke, Sol spoke lightly. Suddenly, drowsiness washed over him like a tide. Though Ga-ram’s lazy voice continued to ring in his ears, Sol couldn’t answer anymore. Complete darkness soon came, and the smile on Sol’s face slowly faded.
“Sol, are you asleep?”
Ga-ram’s voice echoed in the quiet hospital room. Despite seeing Sol’s closed eyes on his white, fair face, Ga-ram called his name again.
“Sol.”
Only the sound of even breathing, with a certain rhythm, returned in response to the low call. Looking at Sol in the darkness, Ga-ram cautiously spoke the words he couldn’t bring himself to say before.
“…Next time, I’ll definitely protect you. So that you don’t have to pretend not to notice… I won’t act cowardly.”
